I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
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i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
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just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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