Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
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Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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