I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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