drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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