I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
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she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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