Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
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I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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