we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
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Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize