I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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