help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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