last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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