put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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