i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
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i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
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What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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