While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
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just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
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I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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