I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
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You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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