I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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