I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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