Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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