I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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