Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I deserve this hangover.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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