i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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