I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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