This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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