Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize