so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
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Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
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Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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