When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize