I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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