Christians are straight up FREAKS
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
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The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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