No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Randomize