Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize