does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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