i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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