Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Actions speak louder than pants.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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