you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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