i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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