Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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