At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
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I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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