She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
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the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
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That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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