I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
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They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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