If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
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Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
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I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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