he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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