Umm I'm too high to move.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
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He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
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You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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