and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
drinking out of a sandbucket again
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It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
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I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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