Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Bring me that man meat
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
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