I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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