I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
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I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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