I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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