Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
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Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
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The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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