I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
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She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
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You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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