I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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