i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
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hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
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Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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